It was a big decision, one I refused to think about for years because in my opinion, it was weak to even think about it. Who uses anti-depressants at 23? Not me. I needed to do it on my own. However, in February of 2016 I realized that I could not do it on my own, not while also trying to balance university, living on my own, and social contacts that were fading and breaking due to my issues and feelings. After getting the process started, it took while before I finally had the pills in my hands. It scared me. These things are quite heavy and they didn't take it lightly either. They weren't just going to hand it to me, there were a lot of rules that came with it. One of which was that I was not allowed to not talk about it. I needed to share it in therapy but I also needed to share it with the people close to me.
Surprisingly enough, finally talking about it was a big relief. Now, whenever someone asked me how I was doing, I could just tell them without having to explain them everything. Usually when you tell someone 'well, you know, I've been better', they usually look at you with questions in their eyes. Now I could just say: I'm okay. I'm on meds now. Or rather than explaining that alcohol and I really do not mix, I can just tell them that I'm not allowed to drink alcohol while using these meds (which is true). Something that used to be a very sensitive topic for me, became something I could talk about. I could show people that I was not just crying in a corner. I was fighting every single day.
I'm not healed. Far from it. But therapy gave me the tools I needed to improve my life. To improve my self-image, my relationship with my parents, school and loads of other things. When I wake up I'm ready to start another day of hard work and I love doing it. I don't mind spending almost all of my time on university stuff. On reading Hamlet or Othello. It's tough, sure. I'm still stressed of course. But I can handle it now. I can do this. So much so that I cannot wait to go study abroad for 4 months. Something that used to scare me a lot. Being away from everyone, no thanks. But now I'm so excited about it! Even if it's still 1,5 years way.